Month: September 2005

“I’m gonna get a divorce, Bill. My wife hasn’t spoken with me in months!” Bill considered this news before replying, “Are you sure, Jack? Women like that are hard to find!”

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“Mom! I think I’ve met the girl of my dreams. What do I do?” His mother replied, “Why not send her flowers and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” “Good idea.” A week later, his mother called him to see how it went. “I was totally humiliated,” he groaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.” “What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “That’s a wonderful gesture.” He replied, “But we hadn’t started eating yet!”

Q. What makes men run after women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same thing that makes dogs run after cars they have no
intention of driving.

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“Dad?” said the newly licensed teen to his minister father, “I need to borrow the family car.”
“Son, I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible more and get a haircut and then ask me again.”
A few weeks passed and the boy asked again. “Son, I’m proud of the progress you’ve made. You brought your grades up and studied the Bible more, but your hair is even longer than it was before.”
“Well, Dad, here’s what I’ve learned from the Bible: Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
To which his minister father replied, “Yes, son, that’s true. And everywhere they went, they walked!”

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the NC three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it’s my turn.”
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

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Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai.

Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo-
Aata hai Usha ke saath,
Rehta hai Kiran ke saath,
Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath!

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“We got divorced over religious differences,” said the cute blonde.
“Oh, really?” answered her friend.
“Yeah. He thought he was God and I didn’t!”
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Winston Churchill was at a swanky state dinner, seated beside a snooty member of the British aristocracy, and drinking more and more.
Finally, Madame looked down her nose at him and sneered, “You, sir, are drunk!”
“And you, ma’am, are ugly. But tomorrow morning, when we wake up, I’ll be sober!”

Two kids were playing when one suggested, “Let’s play doctor.”
The other said, “Good idea. You operate and I’ll sue!”

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his
mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby”

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”She said, “He
sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes.

It’s a real good baby.”With an even more surprised and shocked look,

he asked… “Then why did you eat him?”

A couple had debated a new car purchase for weeks. He wanted a new truck to haul stuff; she wanted a sporty car to zip through traffic. He would have settled on a beat up old truck; she wanted anything that was out of their price range. “I’ve got a birthday coming up. Surprise me with something that goes from 0 to 180 in less than five seconds!” So he bought her a bathroom scale. Services are pending.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.”

“And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.

When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.
“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”

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Ray and Bessie retired and moved to Texas. Ray immediately bought a pair of cowboy boots. He walked proudly into the house and said, “Well, Bessie? Notice anything different?” Bessie looked him over and said, “Nope.” Frustrated, Ray stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and returned stark naked, except for his new boots. This time, he asked louder, “Well, Bessie? Notice anything different now?” Bessie glanced at him, then returned to her knitting. “Nope. It was hanging down yesterday, it’s hanging down today, and it’ll be hanging down tomorrow.” Furious, Ray yelled, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? ‘Cause it’s looking at my new boots!” Bessie just grunted, “You should’ve bought a cowboy hat, Ray!”

A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied,
“Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!