Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out
of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything
at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your
mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
£5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and
is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how
many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system..You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply
in approximately 19 weeks.


7. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons…when I return, please refer to me as ‘Sushma’ instead of


fastest thing

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill
a job opening.After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found four people who were equally qualified.He decided to
call the four in and ask them only one question.Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked:
“What is the fastest thing you know of?”

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way;
it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked the second man.
“Hmm….let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye … that’s
a very popular cliche for speed.”

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the
there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the
speed of light” he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man.
“You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the
bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already sh*it my pants!”



garage sale

After a man bought a new refrigerator for his house, he needed to get rid of his old one, so he put it in his front yard with a sign on it that read, “Free to good home. If you want it, take it.” For three days it sat there without even one person looking at it. He decided that people didn’t trust any deal that looks too good to be true, so he put up a new sign that read, “For sale, $100.” The next morning, it was gone!



A grandmother pushed a baby around Wal-Mart. Each time she added something in her cart, she said, “Here’s something for you, Diploma.” Or, “How about this, Diploma?” Finally, someone asked her, “Why do you call your grandchild, ‘Diploma?'” The grandmother replied, “Because I sent my daughter off to college and this is what she brought home!”