Month: October 2005

2000 BC “Here, eat this root.”
1000 AD: “That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.”
1850 AD: “That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.”
1900 AD: “That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.”
1950 AD: “That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.”
2000 AD: “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”

*****************
Once, when British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli was addressing the House of Lords, a member interrupted him and shouted, “You, sir, are either mad or diseased!”
Disraeli stared him down and calmly replied, “That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress!”

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo (woe is me)
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg may vary from 40 – 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all shopping malls

Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct pints

Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Test :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential hazards :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Warning
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you get into the office.

– Robert Frost

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Customer Service Operator: “Hello. How may I help you?” Blonde: “Yes, I need Jack’s telephone number?” Operator: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Who are you talking about?” Blonde: “Your User Guide clearly states on section 17, page 5, that I need to unplug my fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, what’s Jack’s phone number?”

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder,
leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each
time a monkey tries to climb the ladder; all the monkeys are sprayed
with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempt to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he is not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he is attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed with ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will
enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

“AND THAT IS HOW ANY COMPANY’S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED”.

Main kaidi no 786..
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
apni hi tarah
khaali baithe ek colleague ko dekhta hoon
kabhi mail karta
kabhi coffee peeta
kabhi Extn pe baat karta
Messenger pe chat karta rehta
woh kehte hain woh TL hai
woh kehte hain woh senior hai
fir kyon mere jaisa lagta hai
kyon din bhar FW: padhta hai

cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
cabin me baithe apne PM ko dekhta hoon
Main kaidi no 786..
kabhi phone pe
kabhi conference-call pe
gussa utarta jaane kis pe
who kehte hain project aane wala hai
training complete karo , kaam aane wala hai
fir kyon mujhe yeh jhootha sa lagta hai
fir kyon yeh sapna sa lagta hai

Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
Doosri companiyon ko join kar chuke
purane doston ko dekhta hoon
woh kehte hain bond ka kya hai, chale jao
woh kehte hain kahin aur kismat aazmao
fir kyon bond todne se dil darta hai
abhi ek saal aur intezaar
karne ko jee karta hai

Main kaidi no 786..
cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon………….

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued .. and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
“fires.”

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.