Categories

## Asskissing In Life Gets You Far

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far ………

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

Categories

## speeding ticket

After pulling over a driver for speeding, a police officer had the following conversation with the driver…
Driver: I’m afraid I don’t have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner’s documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it’s not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.

Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there’s no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too …

Categories

## A MOTHER KNOWS

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can’t find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter, just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Mother,

I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
John.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

“Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom.”

Categories

## school teacher

A gorgeous young schoolteacher ran a red light and got caught by a ticket camera. She went to the traffic court judge’s chambers to request special attention since she was supposed to be teaching her class.
The judge looked over her beautiful body and said, “You know, I’ve always had a fantasy about schoolteachers.”
Her ticket, her fine, her increased insurance rates flashed through her mind. As she sat on the edge of his desk, she said, “Why, judge. Is there anything I can do about it?”
The judge grinned. “You sure can. Sit down at that table over there and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times!”

Categories

## wisdom tooth

Frustrated with my ramblings, my skepticism and questioning about how my country should be and how far it is from reality… God finally granted me some wisdom…

However I have realized ignorance is bliss and wisdom only brings pain and suffering. Hence, I am seriously thinking of getting my new found wisdom surgically extracted.

Categories

## if girls were programmed in C

struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};

struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};

struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};

struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};

struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};

{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
};

struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
};

Categories

## Teacher sprinkles cow urine to ‘purify’ Dalit kids

Here is another incident which reaffirms my stance that a lot needs to be done in the upliftment of dalits. Is asking some self-respect and a right to exist too much?

Categories

## 73% attrition

I often wonder if all the polls, and survey and industry awards are rigged. Recently Wipro featured amongst the Best Indian employers of the country.
rediff
Dataquest

And today I am reading the news that it is witnessing 73% attrition rate? Need I say more?

BTW: if you do not know, all fresh employees at Wipro need to pay 5 months of salary (75k cash upfront) as a security deposit to Wipro, apart from signing several bonds and agreements.

Categories

## Monsoon Predictions

We all know 20% of Indian economy is dependent on monsoons (summer rains). Monsoon directly effect the agricultural income (and income of half a billion people living on it) and the industry. Everybody to FMCG to machine manufacturer see the rise and fall in consumption based on monsoon cycles.
No wonder, he who brings the rain (Indra) is considered to be the Kind of Gods.

To be able to predict the monsoons and guide the farmers to switch been water guzzling rice to those crops which do not require too much water, Indian Meteorological Department was founded by 1886… But like any other government department it is defunct. Its predictions are no better than the odds you get by throwing the dice. Yet the government does not allow any other private/independent to publish its predictions.

Government say we have an RTI (Right to Information), but its actions say otherwise. It allows fishermen to die due to a sea storm, rather than allow a local university to predict and give a timely warning?

Internationally monsoons is a multi-billion dollar industry which is financed by Weather Derivatives. The best scientists, mathematicians are employed to make the most accurate predictions. Most of the world’s supercomputers are solely dedicated to the task of crunching Meteorological data. Yet Indian government does not want its fishermen and farmers to benefit from it.

No Wonder there is no dedicated Weather TV Channel, even newspaper hide the weather forecasts in one unreadable corner of the newspaper.
Jai Control Raj!!

Categories

## Insurance Form Stories

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.