Categories
Humor

puns

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

What’s the definition of a will?
It’s a dead giveaway

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts;
in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road:
poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Special thanks to our friend Mellowdrama from Vizak who painstakingly compiled this list

Categories
Humor

Mommy Test !!

plagiarism continues:
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been,it’s dirty and it probably has germs”, I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test.

You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So, if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly”, I replied back, with a big smile on my face.

Categories
Thoughts

Postal Department: Control Regime

1) Why on earth there should be a monopoly for postal department?
Are we living in China or USA where each and every phone, letter, email is scanned. Do I have any privacy, any freedom???

Today government says no package less than 300gm should be send by private courier.
Tomorrow it will say all emails need to be send via government networks?
All phone calls via BSNL?

Do you know next time a peon/office boy moves a sheet of paper from my cubicle to my boss’s is breaking a law?

2) What is the benefit of fixing the price???? What sense does it make that private operators need to charge 2.5 times the charge???? Whom does it help?
Why is the government stopping a guy to provide me a better service at lower cost?

Why can’t government come up with a TRAI (Telecom Regulatory Authority of India) or a private Bank like arrangement where any private operator has a social obligation for an all inclusive growth… If the pvt guy is not interested, he needs to pay to the guys who do it on his behalf (read government) You levy a license fee, a tax based on turnover/revenue…. levy whatever you want as long as things are transparent and fair.

Department of posts (DoP), no matter how primitive, has done a great social service… It has connected the remotest part of the country with the rest of the world, it has given banking service to people whom not even Public Banks can cater, it enabled men to send money to their family settled back in villages.
But thanks to technology there are faster means of connectivity… People no longer use Telegram. they prefer emails, fax and telephone over posts…
But this bill helps nobody… infact you are regularizing inefficiency.

Categories
News Thoughts

Interest rate screw up

On one Hand Manmohan Singh is talking about All Inclusive Growth… and on the other hand he is allowing RBI to make rich super-rich… and poor super poor.
Big industry and now government can seek international finance a token interest rate of 5% This economical finance is available to only the industrial giants who can reinvest the money and grow… While common man like u and me, small businessmen/traders need to pay 13-14% to get the same kind of finance… worse still since elite Indian Banks do not cater to the masses.. a lot of us end up taking personal loans at 2-3% pm.

There is a risk of currency exchange rate fluctuations.. but since Indian currency is appreciating, and you are getting finance at 1/3 the cost… I think those who are eligible will not mind taking that risk. This unfair advantage will allow the giant to continue to grow and throw small merchants out of business… Something I seriously oppose…

The EMI rates have risen so high that many people will end up defaulting…. (banks will go under… already most of US banks are under threat due to sub-prime lending… Indian banks will follow them to an abyss.) the demand for property will go down creating the prices to spiral down. this will first cause the reality and real estate companies to go under. then soon the heat will be felt by cement and steel sectors.
Those who do not default on the loans they had taken, will see that after paying double the agreed amount of interest, they have nothing to spare… so the consumerism will actually go down…. hence cooling the entire economy….

The boom in Indian economy is due to consumerism… and not exports…. Everybody knows that, but who will tell the government?

So overall we will go back from BOOM ERA to the HINDU GROWTH RATE ERA… where we had high inflation, negligible growth and all the ills associated with stagnation.

PS: I’d write more, but I have to go earn money for the government to flush down the toilet.

Categories
Quotes

Great Software Quotes …. !!!

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

–Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

–Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

–Fred Brooks

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn’t work. Practice is when something works, but you don’t know why it works. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don’t know why.

It’s hard enough to find an error in your code when you’re looking for it; it’s even harder when you’ve assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell Code Complete

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

-Gerald Weinberg

The Six Phases of a Project:

Enthusiasm

Disillusionment

Panic

Search for the Guilty

Punishment of the Innocent

Praise for non-participants

Good code is its own best documentation. As you’re about to add a comment, ask yourself, ‘How can I improve the code so that this comment isn’t needed?’
Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

–Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

–Bertrand Russell

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

–Robert Firth

Fifty years of programming language research and we end up with C++?

–Richard A. O’Keefe

C programmers never die. They are just cast into void.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

–Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.

–(Bertrand Meyer)

(Thoughtful…)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

–Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

–Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 10% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

–Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

–Anon

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

–Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

I did say something along the lines of “C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows your whole leg off.”

–Bjarne Stroustrup

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.

–Alan Cooper About Face

Computers are dumb and yet they give you answers.

–Pablo Picasso

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

–attributed to Norm Schryer

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

–Will Rogers

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer .

–Fred Brooks, Jr.

As we said in the preface to the first edition, C “wears well as one’s experience with it grows.” With a decade more experience, we still feel that way.

–Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability

–Edsger W.Dijkstra

I’ve finally learned what “upward compatible” means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.

–Dennie van Tassel

Rules of Optimization:

Rule 1: Don’t do it.

Rule 2 (for experts only): Don’t do it yet.

–M.A. Jackson

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

–Alan Kay

Every program has (at least) two purposes:
the one for which it was written,
and another for which it wasn’t.

–Alan J. Perlis

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.

–Putt’s Law

Copy and paste is a design error

–David Parnas

Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.

–Eagleson’s law

Categories
Humor

wedding Pic

The newlyweds were ready for bed when the new husband said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?”
She opened her robe and revealed her naked body.
He said, “You are so beautiful. May I take a picture?”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I love you so much I want to keep your picture next to my heart!”
She allowed him to take a picture but then said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body, too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?”
He agreed and showed her his naked body. She asked, “May I take a picture too?”
“Why?”
“Because I want to get it enlarged!”

Categories
Humor

are you a pig?

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human – enjoy = Pigs + work
in other words,
Human that don’t know enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
if Men – earn money = Pigs
in other words,
Men that don’t earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
if, Women – spend = Pigs
In other words,
Women that don’t spend = Pigs

Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wish all the pigs happy forever.

Post stolen from Arora

Categories
Investing

Camel Humps(Interest Rates)

Something really screwy is happening in our fiscal policy. Almost all the banks seems to be facing cash flow problems. Why I am saying this… visit HDFC bank
interest rates

You notice the humps… Even Citibank is showing them.
What I am saying is…. Interest rates are going to go down in the long term, and I also expect a lot of turbulence. So guys invest in fixed income instruments wisely and make the best of the situation. These imperfections are not expected to last for a very long time.

update: The real reason for these imperfections is to penalize those who encash their FD prematurely. As per the RBI rules the banks are obliged to give less of:
1) the Promised interest – 1%
2) the interest rate offered for an FD of the premature period – 0.5%
By having a 1.5% these camel bumps, the second proposal becomes very attractive for banks.

Categories
Investing

hot tips

Finally I located an authoritative magazine that expresses my concerns on the validity of research broadcast in Channels dedicated to stock market.

I confess I do not understand why people buy stocks touted by pundits on stock shows. The only people who are believed to actually consistently beat the market are a handful of managers like Warren Buffett, who quietly amass companies and mint money off of them. They do this by,
first being freakily brilliant, and
second, spending virtually every waking hour thinking about companies, and
third, never giving their finds away to strangers for free.
If you are not one of these extreme outliers (and if you’re reading this blog, odds are you aren’t), you would almost certainly be better served by flipping off the stock show and sticking your money in index funds. Certainly, it’s safe to assume that free stock tips are probably worth what you pay for them.

Categories
Thoughts

Social Security Number

social security number

I always thought PAN card is going to get morphed into a Social Security Number. However Government of India continues to amaze me. The EPF (Employee Provident Fund) is going to allot National Social Security Number to each and every employee.

Its too early for me to comment on it, but I am 90% sure its going to have no major impact on the individuals. Why:
1) There was no entry for PAN no in the registration form.
2) No entry for Passport Number/Ration Card Number/Voter ID.
Hence all the existing records of the individual cannot be unified. This number would be like Mutual Fund identification Number… another hassle/paperwork.

3) What percentage of people actually do have an EPF account? A large part of our workforce is in informal sector, self-employed (professional/business) or migratory/temporary in nature. There is a large number of people (say housewives) who were never employed, a large population is youth.. too young to be employed.
4) Social security is irrelevant unless it reaches the ones who need it the most. Where is the provision for physically/ mentally challenged, the unemployed graduates, the suicide prone farmers?

I do not know the idea behind this move, but calling it a national security number at this stage would be to make the mockery of what people expect.