This post contains a lot of pictures.. so for those of you who have bandwidth constraint… plz do not go forward.
After a long overseas flight, a young mother wearily arrived at airport customs with her four sons and three daughters, all under the age of twelve. Toting their many suitcases, the family finally got through the long line where the customs official stared at them skeptically.
“Ma’am?” he asked. “Are all these children and all this luggage yours?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the harried mother.
“Well, ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”
She looked him in the eye and calmly answered, “Sir, if I had any of those, I assure you I would have already used them!”
He let her pass without opening a single suitcase.
A burly good ‘ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says,
“Captain, I want a drink but I don’t see the stewardess around”.
The steward answers, “Actually I’m not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I’d be happy to get you a drink”.
Passenger: “Wow, what does the captain think of that?”
Steward: “She’s all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is female.”
Passenger: “I don’t believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!”
Steward: “Actually sir, we don’t call it that anymore.”
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
“Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! you’re right! That’s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?”
“Well we better, we’re almost out of fuel.”
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot’s hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.
“HEW! That was CLOSE!” yelled the captain. “That runway was SHORT!”
“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: “120 dollars, please.”
Most Functional English Word
Well, it’s ****… that’s right, ****!
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.
you can get ****-faced, be ****-out-of-luck, or have **** for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your **** together, find a place for your
****, or be asked to **** or get off the pot.
You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****,
and tell others to eat ****.
Some people know their ****, while others can’t tell the
difference between **** and shineola.
There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy ****s. There is bull ****, horse
****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****,
or duck when the **** hits the fan.
You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.
Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days
are just plain ****ty.
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times
when you feel like ****.
You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong ****
or a lot of weird ****.
You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up ****’s creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a
bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of
the English language.
And, remember, once you know your ****, you don’t need to know
You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you don’t
give a ****!
Well ****, it’s time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a
**** and hope you have a nice day, without a bunch of ****. But, if you
happened to catch a load of **** from some ****-head……….
Well. **** happens!!!
And no matter how you use **** – you always feel so good after saying it.
Three cheers for ****
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, “Go forth and multiply.”
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. “What’s the problem?” says Noah.
“Cut down some trees and let us live there”, say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, “Want to tell me how the trees helped?”
“Certainly”, say the snakes. “We’re adders, so we need logs to multiply.”