I am a big fan of the sitcom Frasier. It is one of the most successful spin-off series in television history and one of the most critically acclaimed comedy series of all time. During it’s eleven year run., it won a record 37 Emmies. I decided to compile the best quotes from the protagonist, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I do believe watching them in context is way funnier.
01.I’m not chicken. I’m just really hesitant.
02.I’m sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!
03.How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
04.You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!
05.I’m not bored, I was simply wondering how long we’ve been sitting here enjoying ourselves.
06.You’re not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.
07.There’s an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.
08.I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith….who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.
09.She’s obviously a little touchy about her age, but it’s not like this is the first time she’s turned forty.
10.I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!
11.There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.
12.Oh, I’m sorry. Was I snippy? I didn’t realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!
13.And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.
14.I see you’re still waiting on that spine donor.
15.Somebody’s marriage must be on the skids! Somebody’s career must be going badly . . . besides mine.
Month: August 2011
Categories
OF CONGRESS & PARLIAMENT
Guest post by T.R. Ramaswami
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock/Clutch of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves, an Army of ants, a Swarm of bees, Troop of monkeys, etc.
Now consider Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not … Congress! Now ‘congress’ is also used to denote that familiar nocturnal activity that results in families. No wonder the country is probably being ‘congressed’?!
Owls, considered wise in western culture, are given the collective noun – ‘Parliament’ – presumably because parliament is a group of wise people. But owls – ie ulus – have a negative image here in India. Now if you translate “parliament of owls” into Hindi – you get “uluon ka sansad”!! Look how the translation also retains the cultural image!
Parliament is famous for forming Committees – that’s the collective noun for vultures! Again so appropriate! Incidentally the various collective nouns for politicians are – FIB, CHAOS, EXPENSE, SHAME & CORRUPTION. Now can Lokpal do anything to a congress of baboons and an uluon ka sansad, before the country gets ‘congressed’ and only the vultures are waiting for the pickings?
Categories
NOT ONE – A BILLION
Guest Post by: T.R. Ramaswami
In some form or the other a Lokpal bill will definitely be passed by Parliament. However this Lokpal is only an apex level investigative authority who will act when a complaint is made. How different he will be from the CVC or CBI or whether the same fate befalls this office remains to be seen. There is no point having an investigative office when the system allows the corrupt and criminals to get in. That drain must be blocked with an effective net – NOTA.
If NOTA gets the highest votes, all candidates in that constituency lose their deposits. If such a candidate wants to again participate in the by-elections, his party will have to bear pro-rata cost of the election. That will solve the cost questions that are always raised. This is for all elections – from Gram Panchayat to Lok Sabha. Once the people know that their vote now really counts, watch the turnover at the polls. We can also progress to voting on the net or even mobile booths. This will solve the inertia problem that now exists and which netas want to continue by making it cumbersome to vote. The idea is to bring the polls to the people and not make people to go to the polls. Once there are a billion Lokpals such a system will be very difficult and costly to subvert – power will be in the hands of the people. The apex Lokpal will have fewer complaints.
It is perhaps the power that NOTA can wield that is making politicians and even the media, which is part of the establishment mafia, keep peculiarly silent on this issue.
Categories
WARS AND NUMBERS
Guest Post by: T.R. Ramaswami
The First World War, called the Great War acquired its premier ordinal global status only in 1939 after WW II started. Similarly when, how and why the Great Indian Mutiny aka Sepoy Mutiny acquired the appellation ‘First War of Independence’ is not very clear. But then, which was the second? Why not call it just the War of Independence? It would appear that the Congress wanted its freedom struggle to be ‘recognized’ as the ‘Second War of Independence’ though all-out wars can hardly last more than a few years. The independence ‘struggle’ proper took more than three decades.
Why did the Sepoy Mutiny fail? Compare the current nation-wide participation in the Anna Hazare campaign. The mutiny had no central leadership, identity or plan. Separate uprisings at various places on hearing of similar events elsewhere pursued their own agenda. But the most critical reason is that there was no means of mass communication. Thus the mutiny could not acquire the critical mass required for success. Telegraph came to India only in 1869. Contrast this with the manner the Anna campaign has all means of internal communications and external publicity. Without this it could have never become what it is. If JP had got this publicity in 1975, history would have been different. No wonder the Government wants to clamp down on electronic media. Let alone India, even the world is watching the Second (or is it Third?) War of Independence – with the Government being a very good comedian. Only the heroine is missing.
Categories
RADDI > SUBSCRIPTION = PROFIT ?
Guest post by: T.R. Ramaswami
Fantastic post retirement get rich scam – with media help! Annual newspaper subscription is Rs.149/- . That is just Rs.12/- per month. One month’s raddi is about 3 kg which is Rs.9-10 per kg depending on season. That is 27/- per month giving me a profit of 15/- . A whopping 125%! With 1000 subscriptions it will be 1000/ per day, profit 600/- , or Rs.2,19,000/- pa on an investment of 1,49,000/- Is this taxable? The paper need not reach me – the newspaperwallah will also become a raddiwallah or they can set up business right next to each other. The break-even subscription cost is Rs.324/- per year. At that price, subscription = raddi (@ Rs.9/- per kg, BEP is Rs.360/- @ Rs.10/-) and you get to read a paper free. This is raddimathics, not taught even at Harvard!
Effort – write just one cheque. But will Jayanthi Natarajan approve of all this? Solution – the newspaper publisher will pay me directly with post dated monthly cheques – no need of even printing the paper! A perfect example of a ghost-cum-havala business. Similar business already there – selling IPO abridged prospectus after stripping (financially appropriate!) application form even before issue opens. Is my scam ok, or is it like the joke of a businessman (ethnicity secret to be politically correct) who wanted to print invitations for his daughter’s marriage. Printer quote – 500 cards will cost Rs.10/- each, 1000 will be Rs.8/- each and 5000 will be Rs.6/- each. Ethnically secret man asks printer – how much to order so that it is free?!!
I am a kind of person who never shares his/her phone number unless it is absolutely necessary and yet I get bombarded with a zillion sms and sales call trying to selling me almost everything under the sun.
Recently I found a dirty tactic used by Club Mahindra in the Central Mall, Bangalore. They have a pre-paid parking and the patrons are expected to pay for the parking before entering. This enterprising agent would be right next to the collection booth and would ask for your phone number and name. Hence giving an illusion that it is to ensure that the mall authorities could reach you in case of any issue/incident with your car. My friend just happened to peep into the form where he was entering the data to see a small logo of Club Mahindra. He raised a huge issue and tore few of his forms and pamphlets, however I don’t think that would have deterred him from not continuing his pursuit.
Similarly they have a lucky draw scheme in which everybody is a winner. They would say that you have won a 2 nights stay in one of their remote properties. However the fine print translates into the fact that one has to make a reservations atleast 2 months in advance, plus it has to be a week day of the off season. Also they would charge a 1000/- per night for water and electricity (I don’t consume so much water and electricity for the entire month).
Categories
A stitch in time saves nine
Last week, I had the fortune of visiting the nuclear power station at Rawatbhatta (Rajasthan). Amongst many things, I really admired the disaster prevention philosophy they had adopted.
In the words of our local escort and guide:
“In today’s world we devote a disproportionately high time in disaster prevention and recovery. However most disasters are usually preceded by major incidents. Major incidents are preceded by incidents -> minor incidents -> Near Misses -> Significant Events -> Events.
However we are so engrossed in firefighting the major incidents that we forget to root cause them. Usually a disaster is a result of series of minor issues that were detected early on, but the people were too busy to address and rectify them.”
Then he went about explaining me the various safety measures deployed and also how every event (no matter how insignificant) is recorded and analyzed. Also how that helps NPCL design better and safer plants etc.
Corporate promotion apart, what I really felt was that this philosophy could be really employed in our everyday life. Rather than trying to locate the last straw that broke the camel’s back, we should really try to do something to the rest of the burden the camel was carrying.
Laughed real hard at this e-mail forward –
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the beautiful young lady behind the counter (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. She looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. “Just a minute,” she said, walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
“Do these excite you?” she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and, KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out!
Categories
THE INDIAN MUSLIM DIVIDE
Guest post from T.R.Ramaswami
The recent terrorist attacks and the fact that no information or intelligence is forthcoming from the local Indian Muslim population is indeed a matter that needs to be examined. There was no India/Hindu/Muslim concept till the 19th. century. Many are not aware that Mohammed Ghazni, one of the most reviled persons by some political parties, had an army that was one-third Hindu with half a dozen Brahmin Generals. However history books are doctored to hide this. In the 1430s, King Devaraya II of the Sangama dynasty that ruled Vijayanagar held a council meeting to find out why his army did not do well against the Muslim Bahmani kingdom. The conclusion was that Muslims were not allowed to join his army. He immediately changed the rules. In fact after Ashoka the most renowned ruler of India is definitely Akbar and he never salted away wealth in Islamic countries like “patriotic” Indian leaders today do in Swiss Banks.
The Indian Muslim divide goes back nearly 200 years. It was in 1837 that the British introduced English and removed Persian which was, from around 1300, the official language of the rulers in India. Overnight Muslims became jobless and even powerless and to some extent they felt that the Hindu majority had a role to play in this. The British killed two birds with one stone. One – they brought in their language (which perhaps they may be regretting now) and two they strengthened their divide and rule policy. The seeds of the Muslim League and partition were sown in 1837. The next blunder was made by Mahatma Gandhi. In 1919 when the Caliph was removed he unnecessarily supported the Khilafat movement. Even Islamic nations were not worried about the Caliph. This gave the Indian Muslim an extra-territorial identity, and in the very next year one of the worst communal killings – the Mopallah Rebellion in Kerala took place.
Partition was the next event. Although it is stated that it took place on the basis of religion, the truth is that it was a result of the egos of Nehru and Jinnah. If it was on the basis of religion then it was not clean. Nehru did not want 40 million Muslims to leave India as otherwise Pakistan would have been justified in asking for more territory – ie Kashmir. It was contiguous to Pakistan and had a Muslim majority. But Nehru did not want his Kashmiri Pandits to become refugees, while he hardly was concerned about the Punjabis, Sikhs and Sindhis. We therefore had an unnecessary sham partition. To woo Muslims the “secular” agenda was formulated which became a political vote catching formula. A few castrated posts like President, Vice President etc were also thrown to the minorities. Not a single Muslim officer was recruited into the intelligence forces by the “secular” Congress government from 1947 to 1977. To further strengthen the minority vote bank, at the cost of the country, millions of Bangladeshis were allowed to remain in India as Mujibur Rehman refused to take back anyone who came before 22nd.March 1971. In fact an agreement which was not then revealed was signed. Many state governments bordering gave these refugees ration cards and voter status provided they left that state. The descendants of these refugees could well be the local links for the brains located in Pakistan and Bangladesh. We are seeing the results of all the above in the last 15 years.
RELIGION AND TERRORISM
There seems to be mistaken notion that the link between religion and terrorism is something recent. Far from it. Religious terrorism is as old as religion itself. First there was only one religion – the oldest – Hinduism. Was Hinduism a peace loving religion? Not if you go by its two most well known epics – the Ramayana and the Mahabharata. In both there are wars whose duration and numbers involved were substantial. The next was Judaism. But Hinduism and Judaism were separated by vast distances and it would be interesting to know when they came to know of each others existence. Buddhism, Jainism and Zoroastrianism came about almost simultaneously. While there was probably no religion in Iran then, we do not know whether the birth of Buddhism and Jainism was entirely peaceful.
The non-violent transformation of Hinduism came during Ashoka’s reign. Within 200 years came the first invasion by the Kushans. It was around this time that Christianity came into existence. There is no history to show that there was any organized violence on the basis of religion till 600 AD. In any case Christianity spread to the west – to Europe and did not encounter Hinduism till 1498 AD. It is only after the birth of Islam, whose meager adherents found that everyone beyond Saudi Arabia already had a religion – hence forced conversion to your God was the only method to spread the name of your God. It was the first religion to have a term for “religious war”. And it was to counter Islam that the first religious wars – the Crusades – were fought in the 11th. and 12th. centuries. It was only after Spain and most of Europe was freed from Islam that Christianity started looking for other areas – Asia and the Americas. Unable to counter the Christian kingdoms Islam turned east towards Central Asia and India.
Religions have had strange relationships in the last two wars – Germany had an Islamic ally in the First World War – Turkey and a Buddhist-cum-Shinto ally in the second war – Japan. Germany’s main foes in both wars were all Christian nations. Islamic nations were protected by Christian allies – but that is only because of a new dimension in religonomics – oil. Thus we now have a strange balance – with the militarily and economically strongest being Christian nations who depend on the oil on which Islam literally sits! Both with about 2 billion adherents. India, with its Hindu majority and more Muslims than all Islamic nations except Indonesia (which ironically was once Hindu) and China with Shintoism are the balancing items in this act. Is God laughing?
– T.R.Ramaswami
Categories
SECURITY DRILL
Guest post from T.R.Ramaswami
Why will India never be secure? Because security is a function of discipline and we Indians are the most indisciplined, particularly the law makers and law enforcers. Everyone wants rules for security but would try to avoid following them if it were possible. Here is one simple rule. Let it made compulsory that anyone, starting from the President downwards, who enters a public place – ie railway station, airport, mall, restaurant, shop, public transport, school, college, religious place, public buildings, offices, and certain other designated areas must always have a photo-cum-address identity proof. This can be a driving licence, passport, voter identity card etc. In the case of passport/voter card a photocopy may be sufficient. Let this document be put in a transparent plastic folder and hung around the neck like some companies insist for their employees. The only place where you don’t have to wear this is on the road and in your house. Do this only in the 20 top cities. Too tough? But security is a tough task.
Another aspect of our security is the knee jerk over-reaction after an event. You find gun-toting police everywhere, security metal detecting door-frames installed, frisking, opening of bags, boots of cars etc. In a few days the metal detecting door frames will stop working, the police will disappear and the frisking and opening will reduce to a mere formality. What is required is a sustained, constant, upward moving security drill, with 3-6 months for each stage to be implemented before moving to the next one. With no exceptions. Each one must be announced and implemented with full vigour till the entire process is literally drilled into our psyche and becomes involuntary like breathing. That’s the test of discipline. Let us start by abolishing ALL exceptions to frisking at the airport, including the President, and of course the one and only Robert. Will we have the guts to do this? If not, then don’t even talk about security.