Categories
Humor

Big Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.

 

Categories
Humor

kiss without touching (you can try this one)

John said to Mary, “I’ll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them.”

“You’re crazy,” said Mary. “That’s impossible. Here’s a dime that says you can’t.”

The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly.

She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, “You did nothing BUT touch my lips.”

John pushed the dimes toward her and said, “So I lose.”

 

Categories
Humor

innovative lie detector

Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

funny, but this system actually works in Bihar.

 

Categories
Humor

actual incident with my credit card

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she would not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared (even put on her glasses) that signature to the one I signed on
the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Categories
Humor

Classes for men

New evening classes for men! All are welcome. Open to men only!
Classes starting this month.

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays?
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued. Register now!
Contact your the nearest Society of Typical Men (STM)

Categories
Humor

corporate-lingo

http://sunshineshere.blogspot.com/2005/01/corporate-lingo.html

This one was just copied from the above link:

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.”

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay orrespect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and doit.

 

Categories
Humor

first day as a medical student

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.”Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention………”

Categories
Humor

crazy relations

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She’s my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!!