Categories
Humor Thoughts

Till Death do us apart.

This post is one of my lame attempts to create some humor during boredom and explain why a woman cries during a marriage while a guy laughes and celebrates. But please do not try to seek to seek any deeper meaning to this post.

Categories
Humor

Truth in Journalism

The liberal news media is always spinning stories to their liking…..

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says:
– Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.
– Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.

– Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?
– A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

“BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

Categories
Humor

Take a Chill Pill

1. If time doesn’t wait for you, don’t worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.

3. Beauty isn’t measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don’t walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don’t care who rules the world!
That’s called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He’s now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!

9. Only 20 percent girls have brains, rest have boyfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???

12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…

13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Piyo Sar Utha Ke!

Categories
Humor

WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat…………

10% of women think their ass is too skinny……

The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man, and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Categories
Humor

CMM 5

How much time does it actually take to change a lightbulb?
Well if you are a CMM level 5 company, This is what you will have to do:

  • One dev to spend five minutes implementing ChangeLightBulbWindowHandleEx.
  • One program manager to write the specification.
  • One localization expert to review the specification for localizability issues.
  • One usability expert to review the specification for accessibility and usability issues.
  • At least one dev, tester and PM to brainstorm security vulnerabilities.
  • One PM to add the security model to the specification.
  • One tester to write the test plan.
  • One test lead to update the test schedule.
  • One tester to write the test cases and add them to the nightly automation.
  • Three or four testers to participate in an ad hoc bug bash.
  • One technical writer to write the documentation.
  • One technical reviewer to proofread the documentation.
  • One copy editor to proofread the documentation.
  • One documentation manager to integrate the new documentation into the existing body of text, update tables of contents, indexes, etc.
  • Twenty-five translators to translate the documentation and error messages into all the languages supported by Windows.The managers for the translators live in Ireland (European languages) and Japan (Asian languages), which are both severely time-shifted from Redmond, so dealing with them can be a fairly complex logistical problem.
  • A team of senior managers to coordinate all these people, write the cheques, and justify the costs to their Vice President.

– Source MSDN blog

Categories
Humor

The wisdom of our time

It’s not whether you win or lose,
But how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money
Can throw one hell of a party.

when blondes have more fun
do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it’s an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS’ MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn’t everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don’t Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don’t succeed
Skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
……Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer’s is
you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don’t let friends
take ugly people home.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

GUN CONTROL:
Using both hands

The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population

Calling an illegal alien an ‘undocumented immigrant’
Is like calling a drug dealer an ‘unlicensed pharmacist

Categories
Humor

SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. The farm had a large pond in the back, properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some peaches. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies Swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some old men can still think fast.

Categories
Humor Photography

What is blogging

and soon you might see this message outside shops and offices
warning

Categories
Humor

When Grandma Goes To Court

An old joke, but yet too funny

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’ t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ‘
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Categories
Humor

Love and Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute,
inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding
photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride
arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding
ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

“Now do you understand?” he asked.

“I think so,” she said, “is that when mommy came to
work for us?