Funny Quotes

“I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!”
– George Best –

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”
– Spike Milligan. –

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie –

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
– Golda Meir –

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
– Monica Piper –

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
– Eric Sykes –

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
– Jimmy Carter –

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’
The doctor says, ‘It’s because of old age’
The woman says, ‘Doctor, I want a second opinion.’
The doctor says: ‘Sure – you’re ugly too’
– Tommy Cooper –

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I
have been searching for evidence which could support this.
– Bertrand Russell –

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
– Oscar Wilde –

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42.
There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’ 😛
– Lord Barnett –

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
– Gracie Allen –