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Humor

Stage Fright

Jerry Seinfeld talks in his stand-up routine about a survey that claims the number one fear of Americans is “public speaking”. Number two is “death”. His conclusion is that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than deliver the eulogy.
Here’s Why:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t
say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this
and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

10 replies on “Stage Fright”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man’ ‘Well I’ll be darned’ the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. ‘I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

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