Categories
Musings

Movie Review: Table no 21

I recently watched (on dish TV) this alleged flop movie Table no 21. For the reality tv fans, this bollywood movie is an online game show in which a young jobless couple is chosen and offered INR 21 Cr ($4mn) for answering 10 questions honestly. It started as a mystery gift (foreign travel to a remote island paradise, all expense paid 5 star vacation, luxury jets etc) etc.
However as they progress into the game, they realize that the host (Paresh Rawal) has some ulterior motives. He is trying to manipulate them into witnessing their worst nightmares. Predictably such movies involve sadistic pleasures but the director did manage to connect it with a social message and rescue.
**Spoiler alert ***
The host’s only son is ragged by the couple during their college days and has left him scarred for life. The game show is nothing but a re-enactment of the trauma of ragging and how unknowingly one can do incalculable harm to others.
Compared to the typical masala movie, the script & direction is mediocre. However this is no art movie and for someone , which is an achievement in itself for a movie with a social message.

Categories
Musings

SEN(SE) SEX AUR DHOKA

It is the title of the new hit movie, the first Bollywood blockbuster on the stock market. The movie will have sufficient item numbers to ensure adequate level of disclosures and transparency, giving an entirely new meaning to the term “bare market”. The producer is seeking legal opinion whether the script needs regulatory approval, apart from the police and censors. Of late censors have been very severe on “bare markets”. It is expected that the price of the tickets will be “book-built” in the grey/black market by brokers before settling to a “fixed price” situation. Appropriately the release is slotted for a Black Friday. However it is expected that there will be no liquidity problems in financing purchase of tickets. Fake/unauthorized CDs/DVDs etc are also expected to be available.
The “red-herring” story, music cassettes/discs etc will be made available about 21 days before the movie is released. Analysts have put excellent reviews on the initial public offering of the movie. It is expected to breach all previously recorded circuit breakers. The Blockbuster’s Randy Lead Male (BRLM) and lead heroine (who usually has to bare and bear the post ‘issue’ responsibilities) will hold a special public briefing live on TV just before the release. A highlight is that international and domestic rights will be separately sold and the entire offering is only for retail viewers. The movie will be listed on all theaters and multiplexes. It is also contemplated, as a first in the history of not only Bollywood but also moviedom, to show the premiere of the film on stock exchange screens after trading hours.
The climax of the movie is regarded as the most sensexsuous hot scene ever shot in filmdom. Although the market is down, the hero comes home in a bullish mood as evidenced by his long outstanding position. The inexperienced debutante heroine, unable to read the market, is caught in a wide-open naked position, her fundamentals fully exposed. The bull decides to study her technically. He starts by analysing the ‘head and shoulders’ formation then moves down to the ‘twin peaks and valley’ formation, then to the ‘flat plateau’ where the chart dips suddenly and then develops the inevitable ‘rounded bottom’ recovery. This dip in the ‘bare’ market has always confounded chartists. The area is very fuzzy and it takes great expertise to untangle and unravel the underlying fundamentals. It may be noted that expert technical analysts call the “peak and valley formations” as a “Samantha Fox”, “Dolly Parton” or “Anne Nicole” depending on various dimensions and the finer ‘points’. The “rounded bottom” is universally called a “J Lo”. These terms have been devised so that even a stock market illiterate will understand them.
The bare does not respond at first. But the bull is not deterred. He has heard during several investor education programs that sen sexually derived returns are highest when they take a long term to ‘come’. He employs the time honored SIP strategy of small withdrawals followed by quick re-entries. The bare market’s private sector is already under the bull’s control and he broadens and deepens his long position in the pub(l)ic sector. Every time he exploits the technicals, there is volatility, with the bare market thrashing violently and the “twin peaks” and “rounded bottom” find newer higher and lower levels. Soon the bull’s outstanding position increases further and firms up as the bare market surrenders and prepares to go down.
The bare market’s position becomes weak, with all stocks exhausted and has reached a very liquid fully sold state. The bull too has run out of margins and his strong stock-holding capacity has no further options. Although “hold” messages are put out and they try to hedge by adopting new positions, the fundamentals are unable to withstand the pressure. The sexercise period of the transaction is nearing its end and since both agree that it is all over, suddenly there is a surge of liquidity thus causing the circuit breakers to get activated and all the screens go blank. As the bull and bare contemplate their futures and options while settlement is taking place, over the Dolby system comes the theme hit song – music “adapted” from a well known Hindi film.
Bechara bakra
Market me phaskar
Sochtha hai ab kya karun
Dhilli kuch bolta hai
Market usko tokhtha hai
Screen me jab bhi dekho sab hai lal hi lal
Oh index down
Down down down down down
Oh index down
Down down down down down!!
The audience goes home appreciating the central theme of the film – that both, investing in the stock markets and sex have no formal qualifications/exams stipulated and perhaps that is why ultimately, in both activities, some get screwed.
 
By T.R.Ramaswami

Categories
Musings

Obscenity & nudity

Unlike the popular perception, these are 2 totally different topics. However in our bid to reduce nudity in media (esp. Bollywood movies) we have ended up promoting obscenity.
A new born is nude but it is not obscene. Jain’s Digambar monks wander around nude, but nobody accuses them with immodesty. A saree exposes more skin than the western clothes, but none of the Hindu Jehadis & ShivSeniks have any problems with Saree.
However the Item Songs where skimpily clad bimbos are dancing in Bollywood movies are distasteful. Lyrics like:
“Pawya chada ke aayi” (I am dancing drunk)
“Munni badnaam hue” (the dancer got disgraced)
“photo seene par fevicol se chupka kar” (stick my photo on our chest)
Are crass and obscene. Today’s movies are made on a simple formulae:
1. Series of item songs
2. Double meaning works
3. Pool, shower or bedroom scenes with leading actress in little or no clothes
Is this the level of creativity left in this nation… or is the nation so “Horny” that this is all they would view?

Categories
Miscellaneous

Movie Review: Shaitaan

Nice concept, realistic dialogues, amazing direction
This movie is about 5 fun loving care-free rich teens who are exploring their wild side. There is no sex or love triangle in this movie which will disappoint a lot of DevD fans. The concept is simple for the first 1/3 of the movie these 5 kids engage in behavior which could be categorized as cool by their peers and self-destructive by their parents. Under the influence of drugs, alcohol and the Adeline rush from high speed chase, they got caught up in a hit & run accident. To cover up the story and pay-off the blackmailers they manage to kidnap. A series of mishaps occur which results in each and every one dying one after another.
It’s a Hollywood style movie shot in Bollywood.
 

Categories
Miscellaneous

Movie Review: Paan Singh Tomaar

This movie is a flashback of a famous dacoit giving an interview to a press reporter. Based on a true story, the dacoit recollects his days of being a world famous athlete (who held the national record in Steeple Chase – 3,200m hurdle race) and led a quiet, peaceful life which everybody dreams off.
Family dispute over ancestral property and indifference of the governmental agencies forced this person to become an outlaw and avenge himself.
Acting is superb. We can see the main actor graduate from being a naïve fresh army recruit to a dacoit with a large team who is audacious enough to cross 3 states in order to kidnap a politician on the eve of the elections. Paan Singh shows that life of an Dacoit is far from glamorous. One is separated from the family, law enforcement agencies are always chasing you, sleep on the floor, eat whatever one can gather from the forest, sleep on the floor. Money might be good, but even your kins and friends constantly conspire against you.
It also sends out a strong underlying message: 1/3 of the country is dominated by one Naxal or the other. These people are just like who and me. It’s just the bad governance that destroyed all their dreams, hopes of living a respectable family life.
 

Categories
Miscellaneous

INTELLIGENCE SNAFUS

Now we are told that intelligence info is not shared with those who should be in the loop. Where does the root of this problem lie? It lies with the netas who have converted intelligence agencies into a party-cum-personal protection agency. Intelligence officers have to keep a track on opposition netas, engineer defections and even provide the cash for this. Read the book “Khakhi” By Mr. E. Rammohan, a former police chief. That’s why the budgets of the intelligence agencies are a big secret. The quality of intelligence shared also depends on factors like whether the state is ruled by the opposition and also the personal equations of various officers in Delhi and the state if they are from the state cadre. Information is also watered down semantically or sent too late so that the other person looks like a fool. Multiple dotted line reporting structures also add to the confusion. Later the excuse of “systemic failure” is trotted out. But these systems are humanly created.
Even now the Mumbai Police has not learnt from 26/11. There was severe criticism whether the DGP or the Commissioner was responsible. Now we have a DG (Operations) in the DGP’s office and the ATS Chief now has to report to him and the Commissioner Mumbai Police. More confusion. The Government has also pulled the wool over the eyes of the public and the Courts by appointing the DGP who failed on 26/11 as Acting DG. Now there is very little difference and he may continue “acting” till his date of retirement in a few months. Now how long can someone “act” – is this the police or Bollywood? Perhaps the media needs to also look at the various police top officials in the Mumbai Police who have nothing to do. There is a DG Home Guards who also has an ADG under him. They have no other officers and only part time factory workers etc who function as guards. Why a DG and an ADG here?
– T.R.Ramaswami
 

Categories
review

Delhi Belly: Creative profanity at its best.

I don’t think I can look at a carton of Orange Juice and feel the same again. Nor I think next time I see a Santro car and not think of Delhi Belly.
The story is same boring story about a diamond trail with lots of abuses and intolerable toilet humor, with the main characters miraculously live to see the day.
However what makes the movie so interesting is it dialogue delivery, sequence of events and spontaneous humor.
It’s definitely not a movie to watch with mature and sensitive audience. But I guess it’s like Japanese food. You either love it or you hate it there… there is no middle path. However kudos to Bollywood for finally making a guy’s movie that does revolve around getting laid or dirty talk which degrades women.
Verdict: Must watch for those who find all this appealing… for the rest it would be the longest 90 minutes of their life (even if they did not have to pay for the tickets/popcorn/parking etc.)
 

Categories
Humor

film stars in BPO

This is what will happen if the Bollywood manned our call centers.

Amithabh: Thank you for calling customer care…
rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain…
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amithabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere
baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao

jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh

likh diya tha… uske baad uske baad mere bhai..
Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga..

Dharmendra: Thank you for
callllllliiiiingggg…..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa…
Customer: I am unable to use your
product… its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke
saamne nahi naachna

Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya
hai…
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh… seedhi tarah bolde issue
kya hai warna… haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein
phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep

hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye….
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ….tumko kya
problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon..
Police mien report likha…

Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera… pyar se log shabbo
bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.

Shakti: AAAuuuuuu…mera naam hai balllllllllma.
Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha
sa, pyarasa…rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi … thank youji for calling ji..
Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga… ye dyevi nai ji … ye to
dyeva hai…

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta
hai….. May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling… tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager
dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega….

Gabbar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ….Jo dargaya wo
maraga… batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho … sirf…
$10.00…dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem…Prem naam hai mera.. Prem
chopra…
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni
invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar : Jaani ….. Tumhara ye call bahut keemti
hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani… ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke
khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in
10 minutes… otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena…
manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi… humse hai

manager… manager se hum nahi…

Sharukh: Thank you for
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone….