It is the title of the new hit movie, the first Bollywood blockbuster on the stock market. The movie will have sufficient item numbers to ensure adequate level of disclosures and transparency, giving an entirely new meaning to the term “bare market”. The producer is seeking legal opinion whether the script needs regulatory approval, apart from the police and censors. Of late censors have been very severe on “bare markets”. It is expected that the price of the tickets will be “book-built” in the grey/black market by brokers before settling to a “fixed price” situation. Appropriately the release is slotted for a Black Friday. However it is expected that there will be no liquidity problems in financing purchase of tickets. Fake/unauthorized CDs/DVDs etc are also expected to be available.
The “red-herring” story, music cassettes/discs etc will be made available about 21 days before the movie is released. Analysts have put excellent reviews on the initial public offering of the movie. It is expected to breach all previously recorded circuit breakers. The Blockbuster’s Randy Lead Male (BRLM) and lead heroine (who usually has to bare and bear the post ‘issue’ responsibilities) will hold a special public briefing live on TV just before the release. A highlight is that international and domestic rights will be separately sold and the entire offering is only for retail viewers. The movie will be listed on all theaters and multiplexes. It is also contemplated, as a first in the history of not only Bollywood but also moviedom, to show the premiere of the film on stock exchange screens after trading hours.
The climax of the movie is regarded as the most sensexsuous hot scene ever shot in filmdom. Although the market is down, the hero comes home in a bullish mood as evidenced by his long outstanding position. The inexperienced debutante heroine, unable to read the market, is caught in a wide-open naked position, her fundamentals fully exposed. The bull decides to study her technically. He starts by analysing the ‘head and shoulders’ formation then moves down to the ‘twin peaks and valley’ formation, then to the ‘flat plateau’ where the chart dips suddenly and then develops the inevitable ‘rounded bottom’ recovery. This dip in the ‘bare’ market has always confounded chartists. The area is very fuzzy and it takes great expertise to untangle and unravel the underlying fundamentals. It may be noted that expert technical analysts call the “peak and valley formations” as a “Samantha Fox”, “Dolly Parton” or “Anne Nicole” depending on various dimensions and the finer ‘points’. The “rounded bottom” is universally called a “J Lo”. These terms have been devised so that even a stock market illiterate will understand them.
The bare does not respond at first. But the bull is not deterred. He has heard during several investor education programs that sen sexually derived returns are highest when they take a long term to ‘come’. He employs the time honored SIP strategy of small withdrawals followed by quick re-entries. The bare market’s private sector is already under the bull’s control and he broadens and deepens his long position in the pub(l)ic sector. Every time he exploits the technicals, there is volatility, with the bare market thrashing violently and the “twin peaks” and “rounded bottom” find newer higher and lower levels. Soon the bull’s outstanding position increases further and firms up as the bare market surrenders and prepares to go down.
The bare market’s position becomes weak, with all stocks exhausted and has reached a very liquid fully sold state. The bull too has run out of margins and his strong stock-holding capacity has no further options. Although “hold” messages are put out and they try to hedge by adopting new positions, the fundamentals are unable to withstand the pressure. The sexercise period of the transaction is nearing its end and since both agree that it is all over, suddenly there is a surge of liquidity thus causing the circuit breakers to get activated and all the screens go blank. As the bull and bare contemplate their futures and options while settlement is taking place, over the Dolby system comes the theme hit song – music “adapted” from a well known Hindi film.
Bechara bakra
Market me phaskar
Sochtha hai ab kya karun
Dhilli kuch bolta hai
Market usko tokhtha hai
Screen me jab bhi dekho sab hai lal hi lal
Oh index down
Down down down down down
Oh index down
Down down down down down!!
The audience goes home appreciating the central theme of the film – that both, investing in the stock markets and sex have no formal qualifications/exams stipulated and perhaps that is why ultimately, in both activities, some get screwed.
By T.R.Ramaswami


Thomas Cook holidays

This was sent around from Thomas Cook Holidays – listing some of the guests
complaints during the season. ” Some people should not be allowed to go on

“It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned.”

“On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”

“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been
locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb”
sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

“The beach was too sandy.”

“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your
brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

“Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”

“We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake.”

“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only
took the Americans three hours to get home.”

“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”

The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’.
We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?”

“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”

“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked.”